Personal, relationships

talk.

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Driving through the sunlit, endearingly gritty streets of Tacoma yesterday evening, I chat with my friend Ben after what felt like a very long, very sad day. We were both hurting for different reasons. Me because of one of the many little deaths out of which life always returns, and he because of the ugliness he had encountered that day with his students.

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Personal, Uncategorized

Reminder.

Brushing it off and saying “it’s just one of those days” is a disservice to yourself. It’s a cheat out of giving yourself permission to experience real pain, real emotions, real sadness. Whether or not you understand where it’s coming from doesn’t necessarily matter- and it doesn’t make it any less.

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Beauty, Family, lifestyle, Personal, relationships, United States

Less.

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I feel everything so keenly and bluntly today. A grade A example of a seemingly bipolar being, sensing each moment pointedly and on each end of the spectrum. Some fill me with what feels like a hot cup of tea, filled with surprising lemon tartness and smooth honey and warmth and safety, making it difficult to breathe in a way where everything seems to skip a beat- some are ragged and painful and sharp around the edges, making it difficult to breathe and not in the lovely way where everything seems to skip a beat.

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Personal

The fight.

Pain is a strange thing. It’s beautiful and it’s horrifying and it’s been researched and reviewed and wondered about for centuries. I’ve read that the body refuses to remember specific types of pain, childbirth for instance. There are also the types that the mind will hold onto forever. Research shows that any pain lasting more than a few minutes leaves a trace in the nervous system. But that’s only physical pain- what about the emotional? Suppression or substitution are two ways of avoiding memories of painful or uncomfortable times, yet in the moment of emotional or mental pain it feels as if there is no way to reduce it other than chemically.

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lifestyle, Personal, United States

Unconditional.

Gator riding

This last week I got to spend time with my sister, Hilary, and my brother in law, Ron at their home and where I like to call one of my “happy places”. The places where I feel at ease, where stress’s chilling fingers find it difficult to find a full grasp, and where I feel unconditional love.

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Expat, Personal, Travel

Unknown.

Ireland

It’s days like today that make me miss home the most. The sky is an ominous gray, rain drips down the window mirroring the tears I deftly try to wipe away before anyone notices. Even the music I have plugged into my ear buds, music that should make me happy, excited, and alive, only ushers my thoughts to a warm car, artificially heated, flying down a highway with the sound turned up high and a friend in the passenger seat. Something completely unavailable here in Cambodia.

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Beauty, Cambodia, Expat, Personal, Phnom Penh

Creeps.

Through a constant stream of social media, a never ending source of news constantly being thrown at you from the world wide web, and behind-the-screen interactions with people you’ve both encountered face to face or through the vast pages of the internet- it’s become more and more shockingly obvious that there are some seriously misguided people (on my side, generally older men) and basically disgusting creeps in this world.

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Cambodia, Personal, Phnom Penh

Understanding.

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I wanted to share, with the permission of the sender, this email I received a few days ago after posting “Adoptee”.
I am amazed and encouraged by the bravery of this person, to not only share their story with me but to also be willing to let me release it through my blog.
I am appreciative of this beacon of support, not only in my feelings but also in sharing them through my writing, and it made the world feel much smaller, closer, and in many ways-more human than it’s been feeling as I continue to read the news. It’s funny how the internet can do that, when you very least expect it. Now, the next time I feel the weight of fear, of questioning, or of doubt-I will think of this reader, who in their beautiful words affected me just as much as my post reached them.
*name changed for privacy
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