This last week I got to spend time with my sister, Hilary, and my brother in law, Ron at their home and where I like to call one of my “happy places”. The places where I feel at ease, where stress’s chilling fingers find it difficult to find a full grasp, and where I feel unconditional love.
Over the past two weeks since I’ve gotten back to Washington, there have been a lot of conditions to meet. Conditions of insurance coverage, conditions of payment, conditions of time, conditions of jobs, conditions of a home, conditions of relationships, conditions of understanding, conditions of happiness and in the same vein, unhappiness. To feel something unconditional, and to experience it in such closeness when I get slapped with yet another moment of conditional effort, love, or understanding is lifeblood.
Today has been very difficult, and less difficult than others. Every day has its own challenges, and I have to face them in my own way. But that’s the thing: every day is a new day, and full of new challenges. Conditions change constantly. And when I say constantly I mean that: regularly, repetitively, and endlessly. Thank God for that. From one minute to the next, from each passing second to the one to come and to be able to adjust to that is a life skill I’m still trying to learn to understand, let alone master. But to begin trying to move forward in a direction that allows me to grow rather than stay stagnant in circumstances that are perpetually revolving is something I see absolutely necessary.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I am anything but perfect. I know that. My friends know it. My family knows it. The world knows it. And one day, there’s going to be a point where I can really accept that. My friend Ms. Paylan, my karass, sent me a pithy but delightful note via Facebook that said, “you can’t make everyone happy, you’re not pizza” during a tough transition. Hilary on the same note over a wine rich sister talk as she explained her vision and experiences of true intimacy in its purest human form. It’s not constant sex, it’s not being happy in someone’s presence all of the time, and it’s definitely not having a picture perfect relationship. That’s what I’m finding my family and a few close friends to be for me- and I am thankful and fortunate, although admittedly yearn for more.
I think of the things that I don’t have right now. A home of my own, a full time job (the hunt continues), a nuclear family, a boyfriend, a cat, peace of mind- but then I think of what I do. And that is unconditional love from people who have known me for years. And that makes me rich. Richer than I would be with stock options at a successful startup, a mansion on a hill with every room designed and decorated to perfection, a 3 carat diamond on my finger, or a Mercedes in my garage.
I’m rich to know how absolutely important that is going into the rest of my life. To know how important it is to give. How important it is to need it, to require it, and to accept even when I know I don’t deserve it and most importantly, recognize it when it’s there for me.
So while everything continues to transform from day to day as I make this place my home again- through days that glisten with happiness to those tainted with aching sadness- I’ll just remind myself of my richness and be grateful for it. Extremely and utterly grateful to be gifted something that not everyone has, or can give.