Usually the Monday after Easter Sunday I’m floating on a high of closeness, an intimate afternoon with family and friends, and a pile of goodies at the foot of my bed.
Something is amiss this year.
I remember so vividly and clearly last year’s Easter: a morning at church followed by a day spent at the pool with Duncan, Allison, Ritchie, and my mom with bags of gifts exchanged, naps taken, and stories told all with an aura of excitement and warmth around us. Today, I just feel a bit empty. Ritchie and I attended an Easter Vigil (well, half of the three plus hour service) Saturday night to support my mom who had been leading a set of children’s plays and while we enjoyed her contribution to the service, the rest felt very disjointed to me.
Actually, most of last week felt disjointed. Death, disablement, fear, loathing, and everything in between has made itself very apparent since the Khmer New Year. A rift has quickly gone up in certain aspects of my life: disappointments and lack of work ethic, motivation, and overall thoughtfulness from others has affected my time, personal and longstanding insecurities with family have crawled their way back into my consciousness, and a general sense of tiredness of “it all” has taken over.
I don’t mean to get all Plath on you all (although she is one of, by far, my favorite authors), but when someone begins to project their own unhappiness, unease, and overall sense of being lost onto me it begins to put up a wall, brick by brick and quickly at that, which is something that is not only hurtful, but extremely destructive. I know I’m quick to point fingers, throw a judgmental look, or grumble about an inadequacy I believe should be rectified but it’s not so nice to feel it on the other side, especially when it’s unjustified.
I’m so grateful for Ritchie and my dearest friends during this processing time, but hurts to feel at a loss in so many other ways. So I guess I missed out on the Easter-induced joy this year- but that doesn’t mean I can’t have it any other day. I suppose I’ll just have to wait for everything to fall into place, stand strong in my thought that everything does happen for a reason, keep my faith during the good and the bad, wait for people to be more aware of their actions and reactions- or lack thereof- and do my part in moving forward, regardless of the thoughts, movements, and opinions of those around me.
What someone says, thinks, or feels may pain me, but I know I cannot control them. Only in my response may I insert a rebuke and in many cases, it doesn’t even warrant one at all.